I Have To Declare, I Have to Believe!

There are times, when I come across a song that literally encapsulates every fiber of emotion that I am going thru.

I have to admit, I have been listening to talk radio a ton since the surgery, because it is harder than I ever thought imagineable to listen to people sing while I can't. I just listen to great songs and cry. Im a mess when I drive my car alone and turn on the radio and so badly want to rock out. But let me confess, Its not just the Great songs that make me sad I cant sing. I got all teary and bleary over some Samantha Fox ' Two Of Hearts' while crusing thru XM Radio... But that is a whole nother story in and of itself....

This song, right in this moment... and for moments to come, and moments I have had these past 6 weeks is THAT song for me. Read the lyrics.. and yet- the power does not come across unless you are listening to the spirit soar thru the vocal stylings of Rita Springer. You can download it on I-Tunes...

I have to believe

That He sees my darkness

I have to believe

He knows my pain

I have to lift up My hands to worship

Worship His name

I have to declare

That He is my refuge

I have to deny

That I am alone

I have to lift up

My eyes to the mountain

It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah

He said that He's forever faithful

He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall

When the wind blows me over

I have to stand strong

When I'm weak and afraid

I have to grab hold

Ahold of the garments

The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise

When the hour is midnight

He unlocks these chains

That bind up my soul

My sin and my shame

He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe I have to believe

He's got everything under control

I have to believe

Lord, I believe

Help my unbelief

I have to believe in You

I have to believe

RITA SPRINGER...

I just got back from the 1st Day of RAI- ( Radioactive Iodine Treatment )

It was a process that took all of 5 minutes. I took the rather larger Horse Pill with these funny, thick gloves to protect my hands from the pill. I swallowed it no problem and it felt odd traveling down my throat. It was a communion of sorts. I believe that the pill was the first of which that will determine which course to take in eradicating the left over thyroid cells/cancer left after the Total Thyroidectomy.

I go back Friday to have the Total Body Scan and meet with the Radiation Dr. when he will tell me if there is cancer anywhere else in my body, and set the dose rate for the ' real ' pill for me to take. They call that the Thyroid Ablation. Since I had the Total Thyroidectomy this does should not be too high. So, in many ways- today was a practice of sorts, since they only needed this pill to have a small amount of the RAI to effectively show up on the Total Body Scan Friday. Low Iodine Diet is still in the plans until after Friday, and can I tell you - Im still wanting to go get a salt block and make like a deer and have at it?? Probably because I m told I cant have iodine/salt.. But Mainly, I just want to go get some sushi, bc All seafood has been cut out for the past two weeks, and I have missed my sushi fix!

This song above... was such a gift.. I really Love Rita's voice on this song.. its hard, raw, Honest, and I feel as if she is singing this song in My voice if that makes sense??

Here is to a great week for us all, and I ll post at some point on Friday after my Body scan and 2 job interviews in the afternoon.

Its a beautiful Day! In fact, it always is- Its just perspective that clouds our interpretation of the Miracle that each day truly is.

I May even grab the guitar out, and work on some songs today??? I'm Feeling really inspired!

Julie

' I will sing unto the Lord, For HE has triumphed Gloriously!'

Exodus 15:1

3 Weeks Post Surgery.. Endo Visit..and feeling Groovy!

I cant believe that it has been only three weeks today that I had a total Thyroidectomy!
I went to go see my Endocrinologist today, and she was so happy that I went thru with the surgery. The last time she had seen me, I was a pool of tears and kept crying ' I don't want to have surgery, it will take away my voice.'

How selfish of me??

During this visit with her, she kept telling me how Blessed I am to have had this surgery and even though they had discovered Multi-focal Papillary Carcinoma- ( I'm getting better with the acceptance of that series of words... ) Its Truth. Its My truth, My Story.

I'm getting better with Relaxing my voice- and not talking as much. Which is hard to do while I'm searching for jobs, and going door to door, talking to potential employers... yet, Its a balance.

I heard from an old college roomate this week, and What amazes me is the power of Forgiveness, and the gift of Time. As college Roommates, We didn't end on a good note.
Yet- the compassion she has showed me since the discovery of our commonality ( we just had discovered that she had a Total Thyroidectomy, last year almost a year to the date of mine.. and had a ton of similarities in our journey)- Is beyond comprehension.

Its comforting to talk to someone about your experience, where you currently are in terms of fears, healthy and otherwise. About the procedure from someone who has been thru it, as well as feel like someone is REALLY listening to your thoughts... is priceless.

Above everything I have learned this far, besides the fact that My Lord has been there encouraging me, and lifting me up, and providing miracles and beauty in so many places-
is the VITAL IMPORTANCE to choose to think positive. You have to think positive, before it becomes a belief.
Keep a journal, start your own blog, encourage your friends to read it to have all the updates in one space is so convenient. And it allows them to get a glimpse into what you are really going thru.

People are going to let you down. That is a fact. It is hard to articulate our own needs when you are busy sorting thru test results, dr. appts, procedures, and life in general in the midst of a medical snafu- if difficult.
Let people help. Maybe even directly ask for help if not offered. Its when we get caught up in the failed meeting of expectations of others that we can so easily resent people. Because when you are going thru something difficult like a personal illness- you feel alone.

Reach out to family, friends, your neighbors. Let yourself be loved. Take time for you!! Go to the pottery class and paint- Art therapy is so AMAZING!! Go for a walk every day, and just clear your head. Rest when you need to, and eat food that is going to keep you strong. Now is not the time to give in to the mindset that we are entitled to have the extra scoop of ice cream, because we are going thru alot. Or even to skip breakfast, because we don't feel like eating.

So much of an illness- you can not control. Sure, Prevention is a hindsight way of looking back to what may or may not have gotten us to the current health we are in.. but it is critical to look forward with the mindset of ' What can I empower myself to do to feel more in control of something that I'm powerless over right now.'

For 3 weeks- I have not been online after the sun goes down. A week prior to to surgery- and two weeks after- I protected my sanity, by choosing to settle in and rest at night. To stay off the computer- because I was curious about what was going on in my body, and at night I would get so overwhelmed by it all.. and then my Peace was stolen.

Protect your sanity, your inner peace, your need to rest, and Nutrition pays such a key part of it. I'm not a health nut- but I have gone to Book stores and read about the importance of Vegs and fruits, and lean meats, and for the first time in a while- I'm recognizing how important that is to eat right.

For those of us that are on medicine(s), its so important to stay on a schedule of when we take them, and educate yourself about the side effects- possible and certain, and plan ahead.

You are deserving of the time it takes to plan to get some ME time in every day. Even if it is just 10- 15 minutes a day. Meditate, take an extra long bath or shower, go for a walk to breathe in positivity, call a friend and lay on the couch and talk about everything and nothing at all.

For us single people- the need to be touched is so important. Go get a pedicure, a massage, have a family member rub your shoulders, give you an extra long back scratch, or even just ask for a hug. There are times I feel it most at night - the absence of a body to hold onto- to have someone hold onto me in a tangible way- that is so obvious as my body is dealing with so much.
And for those of ya'll that know a singleton- keep that in mind the next time you see them.. Maybe hug them a little longer, ask your kids to run and give them a hug when they pull in the drive way...
Human connection... in a healthy way .. can really make you feel less alone.

ok..im off to go for my walk, and run an errand or two before going to bed tonight.

You are Not Alone.... Patty Griffith... Great Song.....

Julie

Exodus 15:1 ' I will sing unto the Lord for HE has Triumphed Gloriously!! '

How does My Garden Grow..??

Before I get on this garden tangent- I thought I would give a Thyroid Update.. My Endo appt got moved to this week, so I am apprehensive about going on week number 2 with no Thyroid Medicine, and week three with no thyroid- yet still trying to get TSH levels ordered by my Doctors. I feel great. actually!! Which is kinda odd considering everything. My mind is in many different pockets right now, yet I like staying busy. I guess you can say, Im waiting for the shoe to drop. Like I think ' When am I going to hit a wall in preparation for the Radiation Iodine Treatment? That is Set for next week, mind you.? I hope that this Wednesday, I will get the Bllod work ordered, and know where I stand. I may have to postpone the Treatment if my Thyroid levels arent low enough... All that to say... The Gardening Post is so fitting for me in this very moment, and I hope it offers you some encouragement.

Well, in actuality, I dont have a garden per say, but I've been feeling that God is trying to tell me something for the past few weeks as my dear neighbor Pat talks about her new garden plot in town.
She has been sharing her adventures of getting a community garden plot that her and her husband Lyle tend to every day. Im encouraging them on this for a few reasons... 1. I love tomatoes...2. I love the two who tend the garden .... and 3. I really love tomatoes!!

Pat has been sharing the lessons that have learned so far in this garden season, and I really feel they can be applied to most of life's dilemas.
1. A Well cultivated soil is vital for a seed to survive.
* What we choose to fill our hearts, our minds, our bodies with will no doubt be a main component for the seed to grow and flourish. The same can be said as to what we put out. If we put out seeds of faith, and love, and compassion- The soil will be rich in nutrients, and Wonderful Blossoms will emerge. As far as Cultivating goes.. The more you dig deeper into the soil, to get out the rocks, and encourage new growth, turn over the soil in areas that maybe have not seen sunlight in years...- New Life will be more receptive to the effort.

2. No Matter How much water, effort, or how pretty your watering can is- You need to pack Plenty-O-Paitence until the harvest comes.
* We have expectations of how high our Tomato plants should be, or how many rows of beans we should plant/yeild. We compare our bounty, or lack thereof, to the person next to us, or even across the way. We sometimes act in Faith, yet when we dont SEE the tangible results of our good deeds, or we dont feel better after a night or two of medicine.. we tend to think the effort was in vain. NO effort, no matter how great or small- Is in Vain.

3. The quantity of the Harvest, is not as important as the heart that was shared in planting the seeds, or the quality of time spent in the Garden.
* Even if this year's crops dont amount to much, Seeing my neighbors work towards a common goal, and get their hands into the earth each day is really sweet to watch. Would you want to have a high Bounty of goodies, yet learn nothing from the experience? Would you want to toil over the gardens in your life so much so that you didnt take time to truly enjoy the experince? By spending time seeking balance in the work , and the enjoyment part of life- you learn from your mistakes, and carry them with you to the next season.

I ve been thinking alot about my own garden. My spiritual Garden, and how I know my soil in spots needs some rot-atillin', some water, and all that sounds easy in speech and word, but the action at times is painful. Picture a bone dry mess of soil, clay clumps- trying to yeild a crop>?
It takes willing hands to get dirty and persistence to keep the process up, as well as the ability to ask for help. For I do believe that My God is at work in my life in ways, I cant even articulate. Yet- I know that There are some things I need to work on myself:
1. To ask for discipline to get into the word more. To let ALL scripture speak to me, as apposed to just looking up what I ' think' I need to hear/read.
2. To be silent and still.

And on that note-

Blessings-

Doing Well.... Post Surgery 2 Weeks..

Well.. It is so cloudy and rainy, it feels like Summertime in Alaska. Which I love!! When I'm IN Alaska.

I'm not a person that loves the heat and sun- for obvious, Fair Skinned-blue eyed, Red haired reasons.. Yet, It is June, by last glance at the calendar, and I would really like to order a warm sunny pre-summer day, Please.

In other important news.. I actually had the steri-strips taken off by my fabulous Surgeon, Dr Doshi, and I was surprised at the beauty in the scar.

Every Scar we have is a visual reminder of fences scaled, rocks tripped over, or hardships endured. In my younger days, I would have been so self conscious about a scar about 3-4 inches long in the middle of my neck. But I welcome the stares, I welcome the inquires.

It is an opportunity, to prove by first glance that I am a Survivor.

The numerous conversations I have been blessed with because of this scar, and previous bandages, have offered me Hope, and I Hope- some Hope was exchanged in the brief revealing of my Journey.

I was listening to Pastor James McDonald on Moody Radio- Walk In The Word, and I love it when I get in the car, and the topic just grabs me, and I can say, ' Ok.. God.. You have my attention, because I know this is what I need to hear.'
Today was a wonderful affirmation of each day, sometimes each hour- The importance of being in the Word, and Choosing to Believe what it says, despite my circumstances.

As you may guess, I am Human. We all are. Even though, I have Faith- There are times, moments, and days, I can trail off into the land of ME, and find myself in doubt, anxiety, and even fear. Fear has ruled far too many of my moments in the process of testing, surgical consults, pre surgery testing, Waiting in the Pre-Op wing to go downstairs.. well, um.. you get the picture.

It was interesting to me, how much of our walk is on the beam of the In-Between. Where our heart and mind knows the truth, yet- we still get upset when someone cuts us off while driving, or we choose to give credence to worry, and negativity far too quickly.

The key word is Choose.

You can actually go to http://www.walkintheword.com/ and listen to mp3's, get Cd's of the sermons.
The one that hit me was the June 11th Thursday - FREE FROM FEAR Part 3. I believe.

' When God is Magnified- Fear is Gone...' I'm here to testify.. God has me firmly in the palm of His hands, and my Hands are reaching out to Him on a daily basis.. sometimes Hour by hour..
It is a choice.
When I get another bill as I just opened my bank statement- My mind knows what I do not have, but I pray for time and clarity, to truly sift thru my finances and seek ways to cut corners in this season. I don't pray for the bills to go away. Although that would be wonderful..

When I hear ill spoken words, or speak them myself, or I choose to admit my weaknesses, and make amends, and be convicted by God- to not only cut off the wart, but everything in the gland.. so that I can have a lighter heart and not let redundant, meaningless things get to me and make my soul toxic.. AND believe He will do it.

When I realise I'm getting closer to Radiation, as I attempt to sing, or even talk in general and am not able to be heard like I was 3 weeks ago- I choose to reach up and out my Hearts Hand or my literal hand - in my car, my home, in the middle of Panera Bread, or while taking out the Garbage- To the One who is working in me to heal me.

Maybe not the way I would want, or At the pace I would desire. But I have seen and felt His Presence while I was in the Surgeon's office. I felt His presence wash over me, and all priorities of my keeping my singing/speaking voice, and fear of surgery, and all that goes along with that...
yeah.. They just went out the door, window, and my importantly my heart.

The Surgeons door opened, not by my choosing... but I opened my heart to the possibility of help, and gave
my situation over to the Divine Healer--- HE MOVES MIGHTILY.... don't know if that is a word, but it so fits.

HE MOVES MIGHTILY!!!

He did, and I have Faith that He will continue to be present amidst my circumstances. And yours too. For this blog is about me.. but I'm aware that as eyes may read.. I say this as a witness, This is Truth for you to freely adhere to your situations.

My life/body/being... is getting bumped on the sides like a wayward bowling ball leaving the hands of a child bashing into the neon gutter bumpers as I achieve more balance to stay on task and focus on the Lord...and align my heart with God.
I'm being called to draw nearer to being near.

'When Your Walking with the Lord in Faith..... Faith and Fear cannot Co-Exist.' Pastor James

My Verse of the moment that is, at the core.. My Hearts Song...
' I WILL SING UNTO THE LORD, FOR HE HAS TRIUMPHED GLORIOUSLY ' Exodus 15:1

Triumphed over Many dates and situations of late.. and Especially over this day. This tiredness I feel.. and almost gave into- To Put off sharing what is on my heart.

Love Ya'll,
Julie

Exodus 15:2 " The Lord is My Strength, My Song..."

When Do You Know.. You have to step away ..

I had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine by phone today. There are times, I love the convience of talking on the phone, and the ease by which we can just call up a friend from thousands of miles away as if they are right next to you on the couch, or at the coffee shop, or helping you shop for socks at Target.

Yet- there are some conversations, that just dont translate over the phone.

I was asked how I was doing, and I briefly started to explain the recent medical, financial issues I'm faced with at the moment- because me and this friend- tell each other everything.
And In the process, she asked questions that alot of people have asked over the past few weeks. It feels good at times to talk about, yet is taxing at other times. And is the reason I have decided to blog about the journey- instead of constantly sending out emails.

This friend of mine then abruptly revealed to me that she too has been struggling with a similar medical condition, yet my story to hers has hit too close to home and for now, has decided it is too scary to go to seek medical attention.

To Each His Own?? Maybe. But I tried my best to take myself out of the situation, to focus on my concern for my friend. I dont want anyone to have to go thru what I have gone thru- and it was breaking my heart to her resolve to not deal with it in the slightest.

I understood the panic in her voice as she said, ' Look, the thought of having to hear those words, " You've got Cancer, is too scary for me to seek medical attention.. so for now, Im not going to deal with it "
some other things were said, Yet- all that I knew was I was getting upset, as she was getting upset, and it was doing neither one of us any good.

My heart goes out to her, and others that are fearful about their physical ailments, for those that have a list a mile long of expenses, bills, and past due notices- with no job, no health insurance.. and seemingly no support.

I fit most of those catagories- Yet, In that moment, before I hung up, I said,

" I love you. I love you like you were my own sister, and in so many ways you are. But right now, I cant continue this conversation, and dont think you should either. Know I love you, and encourage you to make your health a priority before options for treatment become smaller, or you get worse. We are talking, but not hearing each other right now.. So, I ve got to go. Please take care of yourself. I love you. Bye .' Click.

I so intimately know that avoidance is not an option some times. I do intimately know that the burdens we carry, we can NOT carry for long without suffering pain and toil in others areas of our lives.

I pray that she will make an effort to listen to what her body is telling her, and that there will be someone closer than 1000+ miles away, that cares enough to look her in the eye, and speak truth to her.

For right, now, I know I can NOT be that person. I have tried.
My prayers to the One who CAN will have to be the extent of my efforts.

My focus has to be on keeping my stress level at a minimum, search for employment, continue to pray that the unemployment benefits come thru, and that I continue to surround myself with people and things that will keep me focused on What truly matters.

Yet, I will always love my dear friend. Even sister friends have spats. So much was said, and with out eye contact, I hope over the phone, my concern came across as Love.

Sometimes you just need to stop mid sentence, and give up the battle, the concern, the whole shebang situation to the God of all Understanding.

This was one of those times.

VBlog # 1 ' You Never Let Me Down'

Hey all. I pray you are well out there. Those that are following, and those that are coming across this blog in their search for answers to their Thyroid issues- big and small.
Please watch the video for the update, and I will be back to post more as the weeks progress.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l71twgcg7w

If the above video doesnt open up- you can scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the video pic. Or just simpy search Youtube for my Channel- thyroidsx2009.

Hope is something that some people take for granted. And like Faith - you never know the levels you have- until it is tested. Every day our Faith is tested. When we speak, what we think, how we act... Is all a living breathing testement into where we gain our strength from. To Whom we lean on in times of struggle, stress, and success. I Pray that no matter you may be facing today, that you know in your' knower' that there is always Hope for those that choose to believe.
Surround yourself with positive people, and scoot away or downright remove people and things in your life that try so hard to extinguish the light within.
As I have learned while going thru this 2 year battle and counting.. is that So much in this world aims to shoot you down, tear you down, and keep you there. Whether its a boss that treats you unfairly, or just the economy hitting your finances like a big sucker punch, or a health issue that seems to invade every aspect of your life in serious ways... There are such valuable promises that God has made to us that are His.
One, I am clinging to today is found in LUKE 1: 37 NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD.

A dear friend of mine asked- ' So all these friends of yours that are praying for you, they are praying for you and believe that you will be healed? If that doesnt happen, does that mean the prayer doesnt work?'
What a wonderful opportunity being afforded to me... I answered..

" As with any prayer when a friend, loved one is suffering , is that the pain, the fear, that ' Thing' that they are trying to overcome, is removed. But as hard as it may be to comprehend.. there are times when God doesnt remove these obstacles. Its in the trusting in Him, that he knows what is best for me, that is the most important part of this whole process. Its more so that I draw near to Him during this season.. and its in the Impossible Situations where all my humanly resources are exhausted- as I humbly get out of the way.. and Let God Work- that he so Mightily does. That Allows God to do what is Humanly Unimagineable.'

My dear friend, is still skeptical. And Im thankful for the opportunity for her to See God move thru and around this obstacle.
Something tells me, she may not be the only one that needs reminding of the Many countless missions of Impossible-ness that our Mighty God has taken care of.

For He Is Mighty to Save. Mighty To Save.
In His Name,
Julie

Home and Recovering.

I came home from the hospital 24 hours after my 1:47 minute surgery. I was excited to be going home, yet was a little loopy because the pain meds were doing their job. And for that I was greatful. I got home and made it to my couch, where my dog Reese played nursemaid and provided medicine that no Dr. could provide.

I was beginning to notice that my lack of sleep in the hospital coupled with just undergoing surgery, had left me slightly irritable! I couldnt move my neck or back very well without wanting to scream, but my incision was fine. I guess that the back and neck had been accepting all the tension from the surgical incision, and were showing the effect of that. I was still having problems swallowing, and was best friends with my applesauce- as eating that was the only way I could swallow my meds. I drank a ton of juice and ice cold water, and the cold liquids felt amazing on my throat.

I took my pain meds at 5 am and again at 1 pm, and again at 9pm 24 hours after surgery, and only took 1 of the 2 allowed at each time. I chose to maintain my pain control, instead of wait until I was feeling the pain.

I went to sleep fairly well in the chair sitting up with one of those heavy duty travel pillows to support my neck- front and back.

And before i went to bed- I took off my bandage off the drain site. I was surprise at how good it looked.

I woke up at 3 30 am in discomfort, and went out side to sit in the crisp air and have some devotion time to start day 2 after surgery.

Bit By Bit, I can tell that swallowing is getting easier, and I just have to focus on resting to allow my body to heal and not push myself before my body is able.

Easier said than done!

The Day Of Surgery, ' The View Girls' and just plain old HOPE.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:15am. Normally, I am considered a fast driver, but the ride down St. Charles Rd To York was traveled with a hesitation. My mother and my God Mother by choice- Pat, drove with me. And we met My Aunt Stephanie there too. I had a fan club.

We went to the check in area, and in a matter of minutes, they called my name and asked me to take the elevators upstairs to the Surgery Check In Floor.

We went upstairs and they called my name before I even had a chance to sit down.

I was ushered into a hospital room, given a gown, vitals checked, given a cup to make my donation in, as well as some meds they wanted me to take right before surgery.

My Pre-Op Nurse Rosie was totally cool, and put in my IV before I could even ask her to wait a few minutes for me to be ' really sure' I was going to go thru with it.

Doesnt everyone have that feeling of " Well, maybe I dont have to go thru this surgery after all.. I mean, maybe I could, should wait a few weeks, months, heck maybe even a year or two and see how things go...'

All these thoughts flash thru your head, as reason takes over, and you walk forward to change in the Hospital Bathroom into your beautiful Surgery gown and emerge hair up in a Pebbles Flinstone Bun. And proceed to turn on the TV to have something besides the sound of a heart monitor evade your peace before surgery.

The Girls from the View were chatting away about American Idol as my mom and I small talked and she kept on repeating, "You are going to be ok. You have to be Ok. I know you are giong to be Ok.' She was repeating it like a self hypnosis mantra.

I was ready to see my Aunt Stephanie and ' God-Mother- Pat. When they arrived in the room my Aunt Stephanie announced, ' Well, it looks like your chariot has arrived dear one...'

I looked out into the hallway, and sure enough, There was a hospital bed being gingerly backed into the room I was in.

I jokingly asked if there was anyone who wanted to take my place... and no one offered. So, I made my way to the bed, and they strapped me in, and we began to drive off towards the elevator.

I noticed the tiles in the ceiling. The way the paint in some spots was discolored, or the way paint made its way onto the ceiling tile despite the metal boundary holding it up and far away from the wall.

I noticed that despite my choice to take the Peace that was being offered to me.. My in-between, human condition, wanted so badly to not have to do this. To not have to think that this may be the last time I speak.

Somehow the time in the chapel, singing, songwriting, praising, meant more to me than anything in those moments loading up to the elevator, and in the elevator

A collection of " I Love You's were exchanged between me and my family that was present that morning.'

As The elevator arrived at my stop, Floor 2, my family remained on the elevator, and I was led backward into the PeaceFULL sounds of my Dr. greeting me as the elevator opened.

Dr Doshi grabbed my hand, and asked ' Well, are you ready to get this over with.' His face radiating confidence, and Demeanor soaked in Peace and breath satiated with the Brach's Butterscotch Candy he was injesting. He followed my bed on wheels to the bay where I would sit until they were ready for me in the Operating Room. Dr Doshi informed me that my Gyno Dr. was in the building- in surgery actually, but before he went in, he was asking about me, and told my Surgeon to take good care of me.' See I told you I had a fan club.!

He began to tell me about the special piece of equiptment they would use in terms of my breathing tube.

' This Special breathing tube has special sensors on it, to monitor all the nerves - and mainly the Layrngeal Nerves that control your voice. Im going to do every thing I can to protect your voice.

The only downside is that it is a great deal larger than a traditional sized breathing tube. You probably will wake up feeling like you had a PVC pipe in your throat. But this tube will allow me to know what is going on, and monitor these sensitive nerves I will be operating near.'

' Safety First, ' I firmly stated. ' I have complete faith that you will do what you can.'

A few minutes later the anestesiologist came in and basically told me the same thing about the breathing tube and its capabilities, and what I would feel like after surgery.

He began to describe the process of what happens once I get on the table. How they put me under- and What happens once I get done with surgery.

I dont remember alot during this time. I was in a protective zone.

Deep Breath. Inhale

' And we will start to put medicine into your IV, and you will start to feel sleepy......'

Exhale slowly. Swallowing slowly.

' You will start to take breaths from the mask and soon you will be asleep......'

Random, eye contact, random counting of tiles in the ceiling,

random paint splotches feel like old friends by now.

' And when you wake up after surgery, I will be there to assist in taking out of the breathing tube, which you will not remember. The Nurses will take care of you in recovery, and soon after you will be transported to a room where you will see your family.....'

'Sign here, Sign here, date, and date.'

'Any questions, ?'

' No. Im ready.' I simply stated.

My Surgeon appeared with most of the typical surgery gear on and jokingly inquired if I was ready to get this over with.. and that he was ready.

I was wheeled into OR 1 and got up on the table by myself. They situated me on the table with a special cushion under my shoulder blades. The anesthesiologist announced he was putting the medicine he talked to me about, into my IV.

Sleepy I instantly became.

My Surgeon medically, yet chivraliusly, held the mask over my mouth and nose and asked me to take deep breaths, and announced, ' We will see you in a little while'

The next thing I do remember was the nicest recovery nurse adjusting the Blood pressure cuff on my arm as she was talking to me. I would just slightly nod yes or no.

I was coming to, yet so afraid to talk, or worse- to not talk.

As I floated in and out of anesthesia- I remember the Dr. Doshi, My surgeon, asking me how i was doing. I looked him in the eyes, and held the thumbs up sign.

This was not good enough for him.

Dr Doshi leaned in closer and commanded me, In love- ' I dont want to hear a whisper, or see a hand signal. I want to hear your voice.'

Anesthesia induced years later- I hesitantly answered, ' Im doing ok.'

As my eyes got really big in joy, and I grabbed onto the Dr's hand as he smiled real big and said.

' Now thats more like it.'

I found out later he had already been up to see my family and tell them the surgery went well. and he was merely back up to see me to check to see that I was awake and could answer for him a very important question. - - - If the Laryngeal Nerves were still intact, or damaged.

My sounds were very promising.

Once I was awake after surgery. I did not want to go to sleep. I wanted to celebrate. Shout- ok maybe not shout, but Declare that I made it thru surgery, and could talk.

That the Lord, My God, Had delivered on his promises in such a powerful way, that at this point in my journey- I would go to the ends of the earth to share the Hope that I have found in HIM !!

My hearts reality was praising, and worshiping without tones or melodies.

The rhythm of my hearts delight was so profound- I couldnt sleep at all the afternoon and night after surgery. I walked the halls, and smiled at everyone I saw. I walked side by side a person recovering from stomach surgery named Leila who was looking forward to going home the next day, and just greatful to be alive.

I walked past rooms of people who were crying out in pain, and the vistors chairs were empty.

I prayed as I walked thru those halls that night with such gratitude I would have gladly shared some of my Joy to the hurting on my floor.

My dear friend Michelle come and visit me... We drank a ceremoniously happy hour beverage at 5 30 pm- of juice and ice chips. My Aunt Judy came- My God Mother By Grace. And phone calls and FB updates swarmed in like bouquets of Fresh cut flowers. My small group leaders and good friends Glenda and Mike Worrell stopped by and brough with them their always present light, and hospitality, and an amazing Comforting book on worship.

My primary care Dr. came in around 6 am to say hello and check my vitals, and soon after My Surgeon- Dr Doshi, came in to take out the chest drain, and tell me that as long as my Calcium levels were still good and didnt plumet thru the night- I would be going home. And to see him on Tuesday.

The Calcium levels behaved, and I was discharged around 1 30pm. the day after surgery.

I was so hapy to be going home. This time, I let my mom drive me home.

Pre-Op testing... and the Waiting.

Well.. If I told you that everything was easy in terms of my level of anxiety and general nerves- leading up to Surgery Date... I would be liar. I had a week's time to process arrival of my surgery date, and being in the throes of being unemployed the week before- I had ample things to keep my mind busy on.

I spent my days, applying online for jobs, faxing my resume, dropping my resume off at specific places I knew were hiring, and even picking up applications to fill out and return when I was back in the area.

My nights were a different story.

And it is why I can say without hesitation- that the Enemy- The Devil.. loves to get you alone especially when you are tired, and sitting on the fence of peace and fear. And at night is when the Devil knows you are the most vulnerable. If you cant sleep- the Devil actually hovers near and waits for the silence of the night to start to evoke negative thoughts, and at the slightest bit of door opening by our human-ness-- The Devil bursts in and makes itself at home.

That is why I have not turned on my compter at night in the days prior to surgery. It is so easy to get online and get info that may or may not relate to your condition.. but it can scare you, or make you imagine things that you dont need to have running thru your head.

I went thru a few nights of uneasy sleep on my couch, and left the TV on to help me drown out the Devil's musings.. and got decent nights of sleep.

I did have to have some aid in helping me relax enough to sleep a few times a week since mid April due to the stress at my Ex-Job, and the constant fear of the Economic Reality affecting my job in the financial Industry... and the week prior to surgery was no exception.

It was on Friday, May 24th, when I came into my House and declared that the Devil was not welcome in my house anymore.. If you have havent declared that before... Try It!! Declare IT.

The Power of Lord is stronger than any lie the Devil can tell you. By Declaring it in every room if you need to.. The Devil has no choice to flee. He knows the Bible better than any minister/preacher around, and the Devil will use what he knows and what you dont know, especially in the face of a trial-- and seduce you into believing that you are alone.

And I know better.

From Friday night on, I felt a huge sense of focus and settled into what was about to happen. Sure I was concerned about the fact having this surgery may damage my laryngeal nerves, and damage my voice, ruin my voice. But I was also aware that this was not a condition that was going to get any better with time. In Fact, it would get worse. Then surgery would be more invasive and increasing my chances at losing my voice all together.

I went to Service at my home church Harvest Bible Chapel in Rolling Meadows, IL, and I was accompanied by my dear friends- the Michelle and Randy and their darling kids. Service was great! I ended up heading to the chapel and had some really wonderfull time with the Lord as I played the piano, sang old standards, some of my songs, and even began to write a very meaningful worship song- ' You are My Song'. It is a Song about the act of Worship and posture of Worship, the offering of my voice in song, was something the song is not focused on, as I will finish the song as The Lord walks me thru the surgery, the recovery, and vocal rehab that will be ahead of me. But I did go ahead and record it. I may post the recording at some point.

The weekend went by fairly quickly, as I approached the Pre-Op day of testing at the Hospital.

I got word that my COBRA Insurance would be continuous and I sent my paper work to the Former HR dept, and thanks to the current Administration- They passed a law that actually allows people to qualify for COBRA healthcare payment assistance. It reduces the normally sky high COBRA rate for continuing the healthcare when you are fired.

Check out the link for more information http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/COBRA.html

My Pre-Op testing went well and I was told to come back to the hospital the next AM by 9 40 am, for surgery. I went home, fell asleep on my couch by 11 pm, and was up by 6 am ready to get to the hospital.

My mom and I sat out on my porch as I stared at my newly Pedicured toes, in Ruby Red Pumps by OPI, and I stared at my tattoo on my right foot, Held my dog, and waited for the clock to strike 9 AM so we could head over to the hospital.

I was ready. I had Faith in not only my God, but Peace about surgery and the Dr. that was going to perform it.

But I would have traded places with anyone in heart beat.

Lets flip the calendar back a few months...

Although, Im still in the process of recovering from a total thyroidectomy- I wanted to talk abot what led me to this point. I had been under care for a few other ailments, and one of which was cysts of my ovaries, and uterus. Being of Childbearing years- it has been decided by my medical professionals to take a ' watchful waiting' approach. Which means that I will be going in several times a year for ultrasounds to check the status of these cysts and fibroids.

Most cysts, dissolve on their own. Some need medicine or surgery. As for now- mine are ok to stay in the ' Watchful waiting' approach.

I was told in Nov 2008 that not only did I have these cysts in and on my reporoductive organs, my thyroid levels were not up to normal.

I was sent to an amazing Endochronologist in the Chicago area, and she took a look at my lab work and began the physical exam. She had informed me that my Thyroid was severely enlarged and that she could feel several tumors ( nodules ) on both sides of the gland.

I was scheduled for the first round of Thyroid ultrasounds the first week of December 2008.

The Thyroid Ultrasound did reveal that there were atleast 5 nodules on each side of the Thyroid yet all looked to be non-cancerous. I was told by the radiologist to follow up in 6 months and my Endochronologist put me on a Medicine that would in essence tell my Thyroid- ' Hey, dont worry about coming to work today, I got things under control.. no need to do anything'.

This medicine works in a lot of paitents, and may reduce the enlargement- reverse the Chronic Thyroid condition. But in my case, it was not effective.

in May 2009, coincedentaly on the day I was given a pink slip- I had scheduled my follow up Pelvic and Thyroid ultrasounds.

I got a report a week later that my Thyroid did not shrink- in fact it was larger and the nodules were still there, and there was one in particular on my left side that does warrant a biopsy.

My Endochronologist is known for being aggressive, that is why I love her so. The meds she put me on back in November, did make me feel better, and allow a great deal of the medical issues to lessen or resolve completely.

When I went into her office on Monday, May 18th.. she enters the office and declares.. " Well, Julie Im happy to see you, yet i have bad news. We need to remove the Thyroid. The medicine is not working. This will be a life long chronic condition for you that will get worse and may never get better. The only way we can stop the turmoil, is to remove the Thyroid completely.'

I wish I could articulate the instant panic, and feeling like I failed my body, yet again.. that I felt within the seconds that elapsed after her announcement.

I responded, ' I did research back in November and everything I read told me that having this surgery can damage my vocal chords. Is there a gaurentee that my voice wont be changed, damaged?'

Her not-knowing eyes saw the tears streaming down my face, and she said " this surgery does come with risks, and one of which will be the change of your voice. There is a HUGE RISK THAT YOUR SPEAKING VOICE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.'

I ask somehow inbetween shock laden tears, ' Will I ever be able to sing?'

Enter the point in my life story, that defines me as a person, and most of my journey- - Im a singer-songwriter. I have sung tv commercials, tv shows, and most music styles incessantly since I was a toddler. Music, besides my Faith, and Identity as a Christian, is my lifeline.

So, when my Endochronologist responded, ' Well, Julie, its not like you are a Singer, because you more than likely will never be able to sing after this surgery.'

To which I responded, ' But I know its not on my registration application, and we have never talked about it, but I am a singer. I sing every day, most of my day, when Im Happy, Sad, Bored, and when Im not even aware Im doing it. There has to be a better way to deal with this.'

To which she replied, lets get you to a ENT ( Ear Nose and Throat Specialist ) and we will see what other options are available to you. It was not my imagination, my Endo looked at me with such a pathetic look. As if to say, 'Im sorry. I can help heal alot of things, but a broken heart.. I dont think I can help you. '

And she was and IS so right. I had already cried tears of pleading, and despair to God back in November and a dear Spiritual Mentor, Glenda, told me... ' I know this is not what you want to happen. But God Calls us to not put anything above Him. Not music, Not your voice.. Nothing.

This seems to me that He is putting that thought upon your heart, and He is waiting for you to offer your voice up to Him. He may give it right back.. but that is what I believe he is calling you to do.'

I wasn't ready to hear that.

God Knew that. It took From November 2008 until May 2009 for God to ask me again.

This time, he was a little more assertive.

And as I waiting in the office of the ENT, and the door opened and the Stranger/Specialist/Surgeon walked in... The greatest sense of Peace ushered into that room.

I can not begin to tell you the absolute Leveling of Fear, Anxiety, and Doubt that occured in that instant.

For what I do believe I didn't offer up to God fully, He met me more than half way. I showed up and God Delivered powerfully on every one of His promises.

No matter what Happened- He would never leave my side.

Life happens randomly it seems, but there are times where it is obvious that God moves mountains and makes room in Specialists Appointment Schedules, and uses people in our every day life to embrace us in ways that renew our Faith in Him. And lift us up when we feel we can not move forward.

For in reality- anything good we do is not by our own doing.

By the time I left the office, a different well of tears was tapped. Tears of Peace, and Surrender, and Awe.

Surgery was scheduled for the following week.

The following posts will talk about the procedure, and with Pictures, I document the healing process.

In His Name,

Julie