The Day Of Surgery, ' The View Girls' and just plain old HOPE.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:15am. Normally, I am considered a fast driver, but the ride down St. Charles Rd To York was traveled with a hesitation. My mother and my God Mother by choice- Pat, drove with me. And we met My Aunt Stephanie there too. I had a fan club.

We went to the check in area, and in a matter of minutes, they called my name and asked me to take the elevators upstairs to the Surgery Check In Floor.

We went upstairs and they called my name before I even had a chance to sit down.

I was ushered into a hospital room, given a gown, vitals checked, given a cup to make my donation in, as well as some meds they wanted me to take right before surgery.

My Pre-Op Nurse Rosie was totally cool, and put in my IV before I could even ask her to wait a few minutes for me to be ' really sure' I was going to go thru with it.

Doesnt everyone have that feeling of " Well, maybe I dont have to go thru this surgery after all.. I mean, maybe I could, should wait a few weeks, months, heck maybe even a year or two and see how things go...'

All these thoughts flash thru your head, as reason takes over, and you walk forward to change in the Hospital Bathroom into your beautiful Surgery gown and emerge hair up in a Pebbles Flinstone Bun. And proceed to turn on the TV to have something besides the sound of a heart monitor evade your peace before surgery.

The Girls from the View were chatting away about American Idol as my mom and I small talked and she kept on repeating, "You are going to be ok. You have to be Ok. I know you are giong to be Ok.' She was repeating it like a self hypnosis mantra.

I was ready to see my Aunt Stephanie and ' God-Mother- Pat. When they arrived in the room my Aunt Stephanie announced, ' Well, it looks like your chariot has arrived dear one...'

I looked out into the hallway, and sure enough, There was a hospital bed being gingerly backed into the room I was in.

I jokingly asked if there was anyone who wanted to take my place... and no one offered. So, I made my way to the bed, and they strapped me in, and we began to drive off towards the elevator.

I noticed the tiles in the ceiling. The way the paint in some spots was discolored, or the way paint made its way onto the ceiling tile despite the metal boundary holding it up and far away from the wall.

I noticed that despite my choice to take the Peace that was being offered to me.. My in-between, human condition, wanted so badly to not have to do this. To not have to think that this may be the last time I speak.

Somehow the time in the chapel, singing, songwriting, praising, meant more to me than anything in those moments loading up to the elevator, and in the elevator

A collection of " I Love You's were exchanged between me and my family that was present that morning.'

As The elevator arrived at my stop, Floor 2, my family remained on the elevator, and I was led backward into the PeaceFULL sounds of my Dr. greeting me as the elevator opened.

Dr Doshi grabbed my hand, and asked ' Well, are you ready to get this over with.' His face radiating confidence, and Demeanor soaked in Peace and breath satiated with the Brach's Butterscotch Candy he was injesting. He followed my bed on wheels to the bay where I would sit until they were ready for me in the Operating Room. Dr Doshi informed me that my Gyno Dr. was in the building- in surgery actually, but before he went in, he was asking about me, and told my Surgeon to take good care of me.' See I told you I had a fan club.!

He began to tell me about the special piece of equiptment they would use in terms of my breathing tube.

' This Special breathing tube has special sensors on it, to monitor all the nerves - and mainly the Layrngeal Nerves that control your voice. Im going to do every thing I can to protect your voice.

The only downside is that it is a great deal larger than a traditional sized breathing tube. You probably will wake up feeling like you had a PVC pipe in your throat. But this tube will allow me to know what is going on, and monitor these sensitive nerves I will be operating near.'

' Safety First, ' I firmly stated. ' I have complete faith that you will do what you can.'

A few minutes later the anestesiologist came in and basically told me the same thing about the breathing tube and its capabilities, and what I would feel like after surgery.

He began to describe the process of what happens once I get on the table. How they put me under- and What happens once I get done with surgery.

I dont remember alot during this time. I was in a protective zone.

Deep Breath. Inhale

' And we will start to put medicine into your IV, and you will start to feel sleepy......'

Exhale slowly. Swallowing slowly.

' You will start to take breaths from the mask and soon you will be asleep......'

Random, eye contact, random counting of tiles in the ceiling,

random paint splotches feel like old friends by now.

' And when you wake up after surgery, I will be there to assist in taking out of the breathing tube, which you will not remember. The Nurses will take care of you in recovery, and soon after you will be transported to a room where you will see your family.....'

'Sign here, Sign here, date, and date.'

'Any questions, ?'

' No. Im ready.' I simply stated.

My Surgeon appeared with most of the typical surgery gear on and jokingly inquired if I was ready to get this over with.. and that he was ready.

I was wheeled into OR 1 and got up on the table by myself. They situated me on the table with a special cushion under my shoulder blades. The anesthesiologist announced he was putting the medicine he talked to me about, into my IV.

Sleepy I instantly became.

My Surgeon medically, yet chivraliusly, held the mask over my mouth and nose and asked me to take deep breaths, and announced, ' We will see you in a little while'

The next thing I do remember was the nicest recovery nurse adjusting the Blood pressure cuff on my arm as she was talking to me. I would just slightly nod yes or no.

I was coming to, yet so afraid to talk, or worse- to not talk.

As I floated in and out of anesthesia- I remember the Dr. Doshi, My surgeon, asking me how i was doing. I looked him in the eyes, and held the thumbs up sign.

This was not good enough for him.

Dr Doshi leaned in closer and commanded me, In love- ' I dont want to hear a whisper, or see a hand signal. I want to hear your voice.'

Anesthesia induced years later- I hesitantly answered, ' Im doing ok.'

As my eyes got really big in joy, and I grabbed onto the Dr's hand as he smiled real big and said.

' Now thats more like it.'

I found out later he had already been up to see my family and tell them the surgery went well. and he was merely back up to see me to check to see that I was awake and could answer for him a very important question. - - - If the Laryngeal Nerves were still intact, or damaged.

My sounds were very promising.

Once I was awake after surgery. I did not want to go to sleep. I wanted to celebrate. Shout- ok maybe not shout, but Declare that I made it thru surgery, and could talk.

That the Lord, My God, Had delivered on his promises in such a powerful way, that at this point in my journey- I would go to the ends of the earth to share the Hope that I have found in HIM !!

My hearts reality was praising, and worshiping without tones or melodies.

The rhythm of my hearts delight was so profound- I couldnt sleep at all the afternoon and night after surgery. I walked the halls, and smiled at everyone I saw. I walked side by side a person recovering from stomach surgery named Leila who was looking forward to going home the next day, and just greatful to be alive.

I walked past rooms of people who were crying out in pain, and the vistors chairs were empty.

I prayed as I walked thru those halls that night with such gratitude I would have gladly shared some of my Joy to the hurting on my floor.

My dear friend Michelle come and visit me... We drank a ceremoniously happy hour beverage at 5 30 pm- of juice and ice chips. My Aunt Judy came- My God Mother By Grace. And phone calls and FB updates swarmed in like bouquets of Fresh cut flowers. My small group leaders and good friends Glenda and Mike Worrell stopped by and brough with them their always present light, and hospitality, and an amazing Comforting book on worship.

My primary care Dr. came in around 6 am to say hello and check my vitals, and soon after My Surgeon- Dr Doshi, came in to take out the chest drain, and tell me that as long as my Calcium levels were still good and didnt plumet thru the night- I would be going home. And to see him on Tuesday.

The Calcium levels behaved, and I was discharged around 1 30pm. the day after surgery.

I was so hapy to be going home. This time, I let my mom drive me home.

Pre-Op testing... and the Waiting.

Well.. If I told you that everything was easy in terms of my level of anxiety and general nerves- leading up to Surgery Date... I would be liar. I had a week's time to process arrival of my surgery date, and being in the throes of being unemployed the week before- I had ample things to keep my mind busy on.

I spent my days, applying online for jobs, faxing my resume, dropping my resume off at specific places I knew were hiring, and even picking up applications to fill out and return when I was back in the area.

My nights were a different story.

And it is why I can say without hesitation- that the Enemy- The Devil.. loves to get you alone especially when you are tired, and sitting on the fence of peace and fear. And at night is when the Devil knows you are the most vulnerable. If you cant sleep- the Devil actually hovers near and waits for the silence of the night to start to evoke negative thoughts, and at the slightest bit of door opening by our human-ness-- The Devil bursts in and makes itself at home.

That is why I have not turned on my compter at night in the days prior to surgery. It is so easy to get online and get info that may or may not relate to your condition.. but it can scare you, or make you imagine things that you dont need to have running thru your head.

I went thru a few nights of uneasy sleep on my couch, and left the TV on to help me drown out the Devil's musings.. and got decent nights of sleep.

I did have to have some aid in helping me relax enough to sleep a few times a week since mid April due to the stress at my Ex-Job, and the constant fear of the Economic Reality affecting my job in the financial Industry... and the week prior to surgery was no exception.

It was on Friday, May 24th, when I came into my House and declared that the Devil was not welcome in my house anymore.. If you have havent declared that before... Try It!! Declare IT.

The Power of Lord is stronger than any lie the Devil can tell you. By Declaring it in every room if you need to.. The Devil has no choice to flee. He knows the Bible better than any minister/preacher around, and the Devil will use what he knows and what you dont know, especially in the face of a trial-- and seduce you into believing that you are alone.

And I know better.

From Friday night on, I felt a huge sense of focus and settled into what was about to happen. Sure I was concerned about the fact having this surgery may damage my laryngeal nerves, and damage my voice, ruin my voice. But I was also aware that this was not a condition that was going to get any better with time. In Fact, it would get worse. Then surgery would be more invasive and increasing my chances at losing my voice all together.

I went to Service at my home church Harvest Bible Chapel in Rolling Meadows, IL, and I was accompanied by my dear friends- the Michelle and Randy and their darling kids. Service was great! I ended up heading to the chapel and had some really wonderfull time with the Lord as I played the piano, sang old standards, some of my songs, and even began to write a very meaningful worship song- ' You are My Song'. It is a Song about the act of Worship and posture of Worship, the offering of my voice in song, was something the song is not focused on, as I will finish the song as The Lord walks me thru the surgery, the recovery, and vocal rehab that will be ahead of me. But I did go ahead and record it. I may post the recording at some point.

The weekend went by fairly quickly, as I approached the Pre-Op day of testing at the Hospital.

I got word that my COBRA Insurance would be continuous and I sent my paper work to the Former HR dept, and thanks to the current Administration- They passed a law that actually allows people to qualify for COBRA healthcare payment assistance. It reduces the normally sky high COBRA rate for continuing the healthcare when you are fired.

Check out the link for more information http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/COBRA.html

My Pre-Op testing went well and I was told to come back to the hospital the next AM by 9 40 am, for surgery. I went home, fell asleep on my couch by 11 pm, and was up by 6 am ready to get to the hospital.

My mom and I sat out on my porch as I stared at my newly Pedicured toes, in Ruby Red Pumps by OPI, and I stared at my tattoo on my right foot, Held my dog, and waited for the clock to strike 9 AM so we could head over to the hospital.

I was ready. I had Faith in not only my God, but Peace about surgery and the Dr. that was going to perform it.

But I would have traded places with anyone in heart beat.

Lets flip the calendar back a few months...

Although, Im still in the process of recovering from a total thyroidectomy- I wanted to talk abot what led me to this point. I had been under care for a few other ailments, and one of which was cysts of my ovaries, and uterus. Being of Childbearing years- it has been decided by my medical professionals to take a ' watchful waiting' approach. Which means that I will be going in several times a year for ultrasounds to check the status of these cysts and fibroids.

Most cysts, dissolve on their own. Some need medicine or surgery. As for now- mine are ok to stay in the ' Watchful waiting' approach.

I was told in Nov 2008 that not only did I have these cysts in and on my reporoductive organs, my thyroid levels were not up to normal.

I was sent to an amazing Endochronologist in the Chicago area, and she took a look at my lab work and began the physical exam. She had informed me that my Thyroid was severely enlarged and that she could feel several tumors ( nodules ) on both sides of the gland.

I was scheduled for the first round of Thyroid ultrasounds the first week of December 2008.

The Thyroid Ultrasound did reveal that there were atleast 5 nodules on each side of the Thyroid yet all looked to be non-cancerous. I was told by the radiologist to follow up in 6 months and my Endochronologist put me on a Medicine that would in essence tell my Thyroid- ' Hey, dont worry about coming to work today, I got things under control.. no need to do anything'.

This medicine works in a lot of paitents, and may reduce the enlargement- reverse the Chronic Thyroid condition. But in my case, it was not effective.

in May 2009, coincedentaly on the day I was given a pink slip- I had scheduled my follow up Pelvic and Thyroid ultrasounds.

I got a report a week later that my Thyroid did not shrink- in fact it was larger and the nodules were still there, and there was one in particular on my left side that does warrant a biopsy.

My Endochronologist is known for being aggressive, that is why I love her so. The meds she put me on back in November, did make me feel better, and allow a great deal of the medical issues to lessen or resolve completely.

When I went into her office on Monday, May 18th.. she enters the office and declares.. " Well, Julie Im happy to see you, yet i have bad news. We need to remove the Thyroid. The medicine is not working. This will be a life long chronic condition for you that will get worse and may never get better. The only way we can stop the turmoil, is to remove the Thyroid completely.'

I wish I could articulate the instant panic, and feeling like I failed my body, yet again.. that I felt within the seconds that elapsed after her announcement.

I responded, ' I did research back in November and everything I read told me that having this surgery can damage my vocal chords. Is there a gaurentee that my voice wont be changed, damaged?'

Her not-knowing eyes saw the tears streaming down my face, and she said " this surgery does come with risks, and one of which will be the change of your voice. There is a HUGE RISK THAT YOUR SPEAKING VOICE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.'

I ask somehow inbetween shock laden tears, ' Will I ever be able to sing?'

Enter the point in my life story, that defines me as a person, and most of my journey- - Im a singer-songwriter. I have sung tv commercials, tv shows, and most music styles incessantly since I was a toddler. Music, besides my Faith, and Identity as a Christian, is my lifeline.

So, when my Endochronologist responded, ' Well, Julie, its not like you are a Singer, because you more than likely will never be able to sing after this surgery.'

To which I responded, ' But I know its not on my registration application, and we have never talked about it, but I am a singer. I sing every day, most of my day, when Im Happy, Sad, Bored, and when Im not even aware Im doing it. There has to be a better way to deal with this.'

To which she replied, lets get you to a ENT ( Ear Nose and Throat Specialist ) and we will see what other options are available to you. It was not my imagination, my Endo looked at me with such a pathetic look. As if to say, 'Im sorry. I can help heal alot of things, but a broken heart.. I dont think I can help you. '

And she was and IS so right. I had already cried tears of pleading, and despair to God back in November and a dear Spiritual Mentor, Glenda, told me... ' I know this is not what you want to happen. But God Calls us to not put anything above Him. Not music, Not your voice.. Nothing.

This seems to me that He is putting that thought upon your heart, and He is waiting for you to offer your voice up to Him. He may give it right back.. but that is what I believe he is calling you to do.'

I wasn't ready to hear that.

God Knew that. It took From November 2008 until May 2009 for God to ask me again.

This time, he was a little more assertive.

And as I waiting in the office of the ENT, and the door opened and the Stranger/Specialist/Surgeon walked in... The greatest sense of Peace ushered into that room.

I can not begin to tell you the absolute Leveling of Fear, Anxiety, and Doubt that occured in that instant.

For what I do believe I didn't offer up to God fully, He met me more than half way. I showed up and God Delivered powerfully on every one of His promises.

No matter what Happened- He would never leave my side.

Life happens randomly it seems, but there are times where it is obvious that God moves mountains and makes room in Specialists Appointment Schedules, and uses people in our every day life to embrace us in ways that renew our Faith in Him. And lift us up when we feel we can not move forward.

For in reality- anything good we do is not by our own doing.

By the time I left the office, a different well of tears was tapped. Tears of Peace, and Surrender, and Awe.

Surgery was scheduled for the following week.

The following posts will talk about the procedure, and with Pictures, I document the healing process.

In His Name,

Julie